Keep One Eye Open for Ezra
And the other eye open for the orcas.
Coming to you live from my new tiny laptop with a bite-sized newsletter (it’s about time).
things I hate & want to talk about
Starting a book. Why is this so difficult? I bought two summer reads (Second Place by Rachel Cusk and The Guest by Emma Cline) recommended to me by a sales associate at Greenlight, and I’ve seen great things on TikTok, the back covers are so interesting, etc etc…but I just can’t open them. I’ve always been a pretty regular reader, but right now it feels like my brain is in book jail. Every time I pick up a book I’m like, “no no no no please no, anything but that.” So… if anyone has any advice I’m all ears.
New York Real Estate. I took a peek at The Listing Projects this week and almost threw my new tiny laptop out of my bedroom window. It is so bad out there. It is so so so so bad out there. I don’t understand how a one-bedroom apartment with no washer/dryer or dishwasher in Crown Heights can cost more than $3000/month. Did everyone get insane raises that I don’t know about? I genuinely don’t know what we’re all supposed to do. I guess just die in our current apartments?
Superheroes. I don’t get it, you guys. I really don’t get it. So many superheroes with so many movies and they’re all related? I don’t think any of you understand how confusing this is. And Ezra Miller is one of them?? THAT Ezra Miller???
Change. Specifically the Instagram Story circles. They’re too big now. They take up half my screen! Every other story is an ad! The old circles were so cute! Why must we go and ruin everything just for the sake of more ad dollars?
$200. Everything costs $200. It used to be that everything cost $75, but now I’m coming home without $200 all the time. Where is the money going.
Spotify’s AI. Usually, in the past, the olden days, whenever I would play a playlist, regardless of if I made it, Spotify made it, or someone else made it—I would ALWAYS end up back at Taylor. Doesn’t matter what the playlist genre was, Spotify AI would find a way to immediately play a Taylor-related song at the end. And usually, that is fine with me. As we know, big Taylor fan. Whatever. But recently that same thing has been happening… with The Weeknd. A perfectly fine musical artist but not one I necessarily listen to a lot. I have 4 “liked” songs by The Weeknd? (“Six Feet Under” is a bop.) Is this happening to anyone else? Is Spotify out there trying to force-feed us fandom? Is this how industry plants start (even though The Weeknd is one of the most successful artists of the past decade)?
things I hate & don’t want to talk about
New York City Smog. It was gross. I didn’t like it. And now it’s back. I also didn’t like that the city of New York didn’t text, call, or contact us at all about it?? WHERE IS MAYOR ERIC? I ran my AC the whole time. Is that what we are supposed to do?
(I’m sorry this will probably upset you.)
Scandoval. I’ve hit my limit. Having Raquel admit that her and Tom had been lying wasn’t explosive, and airing it without giving the cast a chance to respond is just setting us up for another season of rehashing what has happened instead of living in the aftermath of the scandal. If there was that much unseen footage I wish that would have blown our minds I wish they had just extended the normal season, re-edit the episodes if you need to! But Andy and co seem to have forgotten that the point of having a reunion is to recap and close out the season. It’s going to make for far more interesting television if we focus on how this group is going to move forward rather than spend another year arguing about what has already happened. Was it bad? absolutely. Are Tom and Raquel gross? Obviously. But I don’t think that any of these “unseen bits” are changing anyone’s mind about that, if anything they’re just giving more ammo for Lala and Scheana to do their podcasts and beat a dead horse. “But Kelley don’t you love drama?” Yes. And I love VPR. But we must face reality. I’m sorry to be the one to say it, but. Ariana and Raquel are not built to be main characters. And that’s fine! To be quite honest, we don’t really need them. Do you know who we do need? The evil, psychotic, and sociopathic Tom Sandoval. He, like so many people that VPR let go and paid dearly for, is the one that creates can’t-miss-tv. Sorry. It’s the truth.
Not going to Taylor Swift in Pittsburgh. I miss it. I hope that they get “Cruel Summer” music video but I also hope that they don’t. Ya know?
When my friends live far away. D,:
Post-Vacation Blues. TAKE ME TO THE POOL.
Bo Burnham. I still don’t like him.
The fact that I didn’t post my Midnights review when Midnights I wrote it back in October. Because wow, it’s art.
Splitwise. I shouldn’t need an engineering degree to pay my friends for groceries at our lake house.
Shedding Season. It’s lasting a particularly long time this year. My vet told me that as Lily gets older the shedding would get worse, but I didn’t realize we would still be doing daily de-sheds halfway through June!!! I’m tired! Lily’s tired! Should I shave her! Jk. No. I would never.
When you’re in the middle of a story and you can tell that the other person isn’t listening. I’ll see myself off a cliff? Cool?
Bed Bath & Beyond. I miss it. I had to buy my Summer Scrub Daddys on Amazon.
things I like (a palate cleanser)
Lakes. Before this summer I wouldn’t describe myself as a Lake Girl™. If I had to rank my favorite bodies of water I would go; Pools, Beach, Ocean (different than Beach), River/Creek, then Lake. But my friends and I recently went to Maynardville, Tennessee, and stayed in a house directly on the lake. ON THE LAKE! The lake was so good that it got me thinking Lake is before Ocean, maybe even before Beach.
Below Deck Sailing Yacht. It is the best show on Bravo. I have been waiting my whole life for this love triangle. And for whoever thinks Daisy/Colin are fake, I urge you to go back to previous seasons and see how Colin has alwaaaays had a crush on Daisy. He was SO jealous of Daisy/Gary for the past two seasons!! Maybe I need to do a deep dive on the Below Deck universe. God. This might be better than scandoval!
Compliments. Give me some. I’m waiting!
New Bit Alert! Every time someone announces that they’re running for president, I drop the news in my group chat captioned “A new bombshell has entered the villa.” None of them watch Love Island so it doesn’t hit quite the same, but I am getting a good chuckle every time.
Summer Scrub Daddy Collection. They are SO cute. The crab shape has healed me.
Muting people. Save your relationships.
BBQ Sauce. I’m going through a phase.
things that have happened in pop culture recently that are kinda interesting
EZRA IS ON THE LOOSE. I REPEAT, EZRA MILLER IS ON THE LOOSE.
Padma is leaving Top Chef :(
The Orcas are organizing with other sealife to take down the super yachts. #TeamOrca
Modelo dethroned Bud Light as the #1 beer in the US… but clearly, the conservatives don’t know that the same company owns them
There was a lot of smoke from the Canadian wildfires in New York last week, and it really upset West Coasters because smokey skies are their thing. And now the smoke is back in NY :(
Shakira could possibly be dating Lewis Hamilton. THRILLING.
The original RHONY girls are currently filming an Ultimate Girls Trip. I can’t contain my glee knowing Ramona Singer will be back on our televisions again soon.
RE: Bravo Bravo Fucking Bravo. Watch this. You won’t regret it.
Charli XCX is arguing with critics again. And it’s like, girl, go make your music and spend your money.
“Lana Del Rey signed a framed picture of her at Buca di Beppo in Encino, which is located in California!”
RE: Summertime Sadness (Cedric Gervais Remix). Lana Del Rey interviewed Madison Beer? Kristen Stewart interviewed Rachel Sennott? What happened to journalists?
The Denver Nuggets won the NBA Finals, but they actually lost because “Nuggets” is still the dumbest name in all of sports.
Selena Gomez is single. I’ll update the chart.
There’s some drama between Riley Keough and Priscilla Presley, and it’s bad vibes. Team Riley.
Headline of the Year: “Lust In Translation: Kelis’ Mouthwatering Milkshake Brings Ghostbuster Grandad Bill Murray To The Yard, Senior Citizen Swirl Sparks Kaleidoscope Confusion”
Joe Alwyn (sorry) is out there saying he thought Taylor would spare him the “Harry Styles Treatment,” and we simply must lol.
RE: It’s a clock! Flava Flav went to Eras in Detroit last weekend and it was very cute. “It’s a clock!”
RE: Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard???? CRUEL SUMMER MUSIC VIDEO COMING SOON. THIS IS HOW WE WIN ADAM SANDLER GIF RIGHT HERE!!!!
Irina Shayk is trying to get with Tom Brady.
Grimace (from McDonalds) is a gemini.
Olivia Rodrigo will release a new single soon.
Oh! Trump was indicted! Again!
I’m not a Livvy Dunne fan, so I don’t care about Baby Gronk. He’s like 10?
Cormac McCarthy died, RIP.
Currently, I’m reminiscing on my Dollywood trip and a Caroline Calloway deep dive (my copy of Scammer will be here any day now). Until then, have a great summer! And Happy Pride!
