That’s My President
ok, not really, but maybe they should be.
A Happy President’s Day Eve to you and your loved ones! I hope everyone is safely home from the Mid-Hudson Reptile Expo in Poughkeepsie, adequately hydrated, and ready to watch Euphoria (or already watched, I’m late).
As a patron of the arts and lover of high school mean girls, I find myself identifying with Lexi. This newsletter is my version of “Unnamed Play That Is Not Oklahoma,” and this is my opening night! While I feel my premiere might go a little smoother than Lexi’s, I hope it might spark the same amount of controversy in the group chats (our version of a Euphoria High hallway).
And while I’m SO excited (did I mention I’m excited?), picking a topic was stressful. I’ve been very hung up on the idea of this being the “first” newsletter. Which rationally, I can say is dumb, and I need to get over it! So, like Lexi, I must persevere. I canned all the half-drafts, opened up my notes app, and typed this out while watching the Harry Potter weekend marathon and waiting for my friend Jen to come over.
Not much setup is needed, but I want to remind you that it’s President’s Day Weekend. And you know what I like? Not working and laughing. Here we go.
People Who Would Make Successful Presidents
Alexa Demie. With the fall of our democracy moments away, I want my president to have been present at the fall of Rome and the birth of America.
The Giudices. Teresa has outgrown RHONJ and needs a new challenge. While I don’t think they should be allowed to make any actual policies, I think we need some Jersey spice in the White House. This would also be a great way to get Joe un-deported and make the girls happy, which is very important to me.
Lady Gaga. I’m half pandering to the gays and half completely serious about this one. Imagine the fashion.
Nurse Gigi. The modern-day Michelangelo. The Leonardo da Vinci of SoHo. The woman who shoots me up with botox a couple of times a year. There is no one I trust more. Her stubborn resilience to deny me lip filler time and time again (when I’m begging for her to take my money) is the fortitude that America needs.
The TikTok Girlies with 45-minute long morning routines. They accomplish more in 45 minutes than most of us do in a week.
Karen Huger. I want to see myself represented in politics.
Andy and Anderson. The State of the Union should be more celebratory, and I would love to see F*x News talk about the co-presidents doing a shotski. Also, Anderson being a Vanderbilt fulfills the rich nepotism quota that I’m lacking in most of my other suggestions.
The Ghost of Queen Elizabeth. IYKY. Let her take it back. I’m tired.
The Cincinnati Bengals. I still feel bad for them.
Amanda Seyfried. I saw a tweet last week about how Gen Z doesn’t know who she is, and it really irritated me. To be clear, I don’t think this is because Amanda is forgettable; I think it’s because Gen Z doesn’t care about the art of the cinema. I read this tweet at the same time that I found out Tall Girl 2 was the #1 streaming movie on Netflix.
Anyone that has read receipts turned on. I appreciate their confidence and honesty. It’s something I’d like to see in American politics.
Publizity. Again, I’d like to see more events in the White House, and I’d like to have some laughs. They would also 100% open up a Starbucks in the White House, and I would absolutely freelance on that campaign. @Max, start thinking on this.
Ariana Grande and Selena Gomez. I just love them and think they’d look so cute behind that giant desk. They’d obviously alternate based on tour schedules. Also, it would be so fun to have a listening party in the Oval Office!
Rihanna’s Baby Bump. This feels obvious.
Lmk who I missed!
Other Things I Like Right Now:
Harry Potter weekends
My tall friends are visiting for the week and they can reach all the high shelves for me
Some Things I Hate Right Now:
Tall Girl 2
Squalls. Seem unnecessary.
My never-ending retinol purge
Uncah Jahms. We’re done.
Ok. Wow. We did it. I’m gonna go watch Euphoria now. Hope you had fun; see you on Wednesday for something I hate (this week’s rhymes with chore)!
xoxo, kelley
a friend recently told me her favorite thing about me was how I've always had my read receipts on, which was moving in that it was news to me. I had to search 'sorry just seeing this' to see who knew I was fake
Add Anna Delvy to the list. We need an expert scammer in a position of power. (To scam others, not me, just so we’re clear)