American Girl Summer
Taylor and Phoebe said, "DUMP YOUR BRITISH BOYFRIENDS"
Hi, remember me?
I used to be your friend. Now I’m… I’m not sure what I am. A shell, like Marcel but with less zest for life. I have lived many lives since we’ve last spoken. I became one of those people who could only talk about their job. Could only think about their job. Desperately wanted to throw themselves off a bridge because of their job, etc etc.
Then I became the kind of person who got poisoned/ had a stomach bug/evil inside that would not let up. It brought back the time-honored tradition of welcoming spring by puking in one of Manhattan’s finest establishments (can you believe it’s been over a year since Catch NYC??). It’s amazing how I’ve grown from that sweet, cheerful girl ordering a round of Chardonnay for the table as a bit to a shell of a human who might have been poisoned by the powdered greens TikTok made her buy (it was a bacterial infection, but we’ll never know where it came from).
Surprisingly, life has continued on, the job ended, the bug passed, and Taylor Swift broke up with her poor boyfriend (I never really learned how to spell his last name)! And then broke up with another boyfriend!
I was curious which niche pop culture event would bring me back to TIL. The Oscars didn’t do it for me. The Haley/Selena feud was discussed in the privacy of group texts and liked tweets. Khloe taking Tristan back for the umpteenth time didn’t even phase me. I left #Scandoval to the Bravo experts. Winter Love Island? You didn’t hear a peep from me. Emily Ratjakowski is not Julia Fox, and I find her so boring. Kylie/Timothee has done nothing to catch my eye. THE BARBIE TRAILER, while the movie will become my entire personality, didn’t produce a single thought in my beautiful brain except “skauhfeliuahfdjksf, FINALLY. CINEMA.” Sofia Richie’s wedding? I loved it. I’m a big fan of the Richie family, but I’m no fashion blogger, and there weren’t any shocking celeb cameos (at least that I saw). I have no inside scoop on the Tarte trip drama. The Met Gala is not my thing. And even the rumors of Nessa and Jaden being back together (pls no) could keep my interest long enough to craft an eloquent response.
But when that tall blonde girl broke up with her tall blonde friend and beelined for Via Carota*? Well, that’s when I knew we were back. Welcome to my brain dump on everything the tall blonde has done in 2023 so far.
*For those of you who don’t live in New York, don’t like restaurants, or don’t follow deuxmoi, Via Carota is a fancy Italian restaurant in the West Village that’s filled with celebs and was also ground zero for Covid-19 in March 2020.
If you forgot, I’m not known for brevity. Buckle up, it’s a long one.
we did it joe!
It’s been a month or so since Tree Paine (Taylor’s infamous publicist) spread the word to her most trusted publication (People Magazine) that Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn (his last name just never looks right) had consciously uncoupled.
And to absolutely no one’s surprise, the Swifties reacted in a totally normal way. The beginning of the Eras Tour may have brought her fans together, but it has always been a tenuous relationship at best. Half the faction was unconvinced by the news, absolutely vehemently denying the confirmed quotes from a “trusted source,” vowing that they couldn’t believe it (wouldn’t believe it) until it came straight from Taylor.
A smaller but equally vocal sect of fans saw the breakup as a victory for gaylor. To them this was obvious and definitive proof that Taylor had been in a secret relationship with Karlie Kloss (or Dianna Agron, or Zoe Kravitz, depending on who you ask) for years.
Then there’s the silent majority of fans who are “normal” and don’t particularly care one way or the other but are obviously Team Taylor over Team Joe. Is there anyone in the world who is Team Joe?
And then there’s… me. As you might remember from my Taylor Rankings, I’m not really a gaylor, but I’ve definitely never been a jaylor.
Do I think Taylor and Joe dated? Of course. Do I think that Taylor has complicated relationships with a lot of female friends? No doubt, but glass houses etc. etc.
BUT do I think the pandemic and Taylor’s fame post-Scooter buying her masters put an expiration date on Joe and Taylor’s relationship? 10000%. Have you actually listened to folklore?
Their backstory. Taylor and Joe met in 2016, when she was arguably at the lowest point in her career. She was popular amongst her fans, but her feud with Kimye became a field day for public backlash. And who was Joe then? An unknown but promising actor who got the opportunity of a lifetime in the form of a $20,000 ticket for the 2016 Met Gala. Put that bitch in a glass slipper and call him Cinderella because that ball changed his mediocre life.
Taylor had just been through a very public and dramatic breakup with Calvin Harris followed by a very scary PR relationship with Tom Hiddleston (who she went to the Met Gala with), she needed someone normal. Joe made sense. Joe was the exact opposite of Calvin and Tom. He didn’t command a lot of attention (yet), but he held a lot of promise. It didn’t seem like he cared for the spotlight (more on this later), and for the moment, the spotlight didn’t care for Taylor. So what did they do? They fell in love and went underground, like mole people.
In 2017, after a year of hibernation, Taylor returned with a new record, Reputation. And while it’s a personal fav (number 2 in my rankings) that was technically commercially successful, it was still regarded as a pop flop. Taylor was still trending downward. (This is where I urge everyone to watch her Netflix documentary, Miss Americana.) There’s the sexual assault case, her mom’s cancer, the breakup with her record label, her battle with streaming services, her eating disorder, multiple stalkers, Reputation getting snubbed at the Grammys, and the dramatic aftermath of her finally talking publicly about politics. She was dealing with a lot of shit, but luckily she had Joe (allegedly).
I take back the allegedly, that was rude. Joe was there. Seriously! He was in the documentary, I saw him. He looked miserable, but he was there!
In 2019, Taylor started to promote her seventh album, Lover, and I think that’s where things started to get rocky.
During the press rollout for her first single, it’s announced that evil man, Scooter Braun had bought the masters to her first five albums (he might have also bought Big Machine, but I can’t remember, and I’m too tired to google). This leads to Taylor announcing that she will be re-recording her first five albums and the tone of her album promotion shifts. The shift is minor, and you wouldn’t notice it if you weren’t looking for it (or on gaylor twitter at the time), but there are a lot of (gay) theories about how the potential to own her own body of work outweighed whatever she might have been planning for Lover. Interesting to say the least, but doesn’t have a lot to do with Joe.
Well. Again. That’s a lie. I think the re-recordings is the beginning of the end. Because, they’re an insane thing to do. For any musician. Especially someone like Taylor, who at the time was just an aging pop star getting closer and closer to being put out to diva pasture. But some sort of witchcraft was preformed because the stars aligned and that tall blonde girl’s career did a 180. Within one calendar year Taylor released Lover, Miss Americana (go watch), and folklore (and evermore two months later), and public opinion turned in favor of blondie in a way it never has.
And, still, four years later, Joe is... still there. :)
The curse of the ego. To be in the arts in any capacity, you have to have an ego. And to be a performer, specifically, your ego is probably pretty large and pretty fragile. You’re in the business of attention. Taylor has this great part in Miss Americana (go watch) where she talks about how she was conditioned to be happy based on applause, and I find that true for most people who work in creative fields.
And for someone like Joe, who has yet to have a breakout role… I imagine it must have been really difficult to be watching someone be so successful at what you want, even if you love them. Time was ticking for him to make a name for himself outside of Taylor because every time they were spotted, every piece of gossip, every tabloid headline brought him closer and closer to being permanently delegated to “Taylor Swift’s boyfriend.”
So yea, if you’re asking my opinion (and you have read this far) I think they were destined to end.
TLDR. In 2020, Taylor released two record-breaking albums, won a Grammy for folklore, re-released Fearless (Taylor’s Version), re-released Red (Taylor’s Version), released “All Too Well” (Taylor’s Version) (10 Minute Version) (From The Vault) eviscerated Jake Gyllenhaal, directed a short film, struck the fear of god in John Mayer, and released her tenth album, Midnights breaking (almost) every single record that exists in the music industry.
And Joe starred in the Sally Rooney flop, Conversations with Friends.
So. Finally. The breakup. When did it happen? We don’t know, but definitely before April 2023.
My opinion? The breakup definitely happened before The 2023 Grammys. It absolutely happened before The Grammys. I am so sure it happened before The Grammys. I have been saying that it happened since The Grammys.
Could it have happened back in August 2022? When he didn’t go to the VMAs? Maybe.
Could it have happened in maybe like… 2020? And maybe, just maybe, the folklore love triangle wasn’t a narrative that Taylor “invented” but something that actually happened. Maybe “cardigan” wasn’t about Joe, but about her reconnecting with someone when she felt like the spark was gone from her current relationship (more on this later).
Ok. Maybe that feels like a stretch, but maybe it was later in 2020 when Taylor fucked up and released evermore (more on this later)?
I can tell that I’m losing you, but MAYBE it happened any time in 2021 that she spent writing Midnights (a break-up album, more on this soon)?
Or. My most likely theory, they have broken up multiple times since 2016 to varying degrees of seriousness.
We will never know for sure, but I can’t say I will miss that adult blonde man.
midnights, the breakup album?
After finishing that fucking thesis on the butt piece of white wonder bread that is Joe Alwyn, I remembered that I never posted my Midnights review. Maybe one day. But it has taken me weeks to get this out so there is no time for distractions.
If my theories that the blonde couple has broken up multiple times (or been broken up for a lot longer than Tree Paine wants us to believe,) are correct then I think the rumors plaguing the internet that Midnights is a breakup album are true. After you’ve finished Miss Americana (go watch), I urge you to re-listen to Midnights. It really does scream breakup.
Don’t believe me? Here are some quick thoughts.
Lavender Haze? Taylor is begging us to see that it’s over. Anti-Hero? This one actually makes me laugh. If I was dating someone and they released this song, I’d break up with them on the spot. Yes. Taylor. You are the problem. The ultimate breakup song. A bop. Amazing live. You’re On Your Own Kid? Breakup song. Midnight Rain? What were we smoking? She literally said, “I don’t want to get married even though my boyfriend and everyone I know wants me to.” (But…more on this later.)
Bejeweled. BEJEWELED. She spelled it out, plain as day. She could not have been clearer. She put on her little mirrorball dress, and she told us, “Do you have a man?” “I don’t*.* Remember?” Remember in the (now deleted) version of “ME” where she says, “spelling is fun!” what she actually meant is that punctuation is important.
Labyrinth? This song is absolutely about breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together. High Infidelity? A breakup song, for sure. But… also, maybe a cheating song? What if when she sings, “do you really want to know where I was April 29th?” it wasn’t about her and Joe meeting pre-Met Gala in 2016, but about Taylor cheating on Joe on their anniversary? I mean. Probably not. But…something to think about. 👀
Hits Different? Why did this song take six months to be put on streaming? When I first heard this song (only available on the Target Limited Edition CD that I, of course, bought on release day), I was like ohhh this is about Karlie. Now I’m like, oh wow, Joe and Taylor have been broken up for a while. This is THEE breakup song. Also, my favorite song on Midnights behind “Maroon.”
Also, I just need everyone to be on the same page about this. Sweet Nothing is track twelve. If there is a song about Andrea Swift it will always be track twelve. Track twelve is about Andrea Swift. That song is about her mom. I need you all to go back to Taylor Album Structure 101. I’m sick of this.
You’re Losing Me. Oh boy. So this is a special edition song that was only available at Taylor’s MetLife Night 1 show (aka. my show). And. Wow. This song touches on some blinds we’ve all been reading for years, which ranged from the idea that Joe was about to propose at any moment, that Taylor wanted desperately to get married, or even the possibility that they were already married. This song is the antithesis of Midnight Rain, Lavender Haze, and Anti-Hero. It provides evidence that maybe Taylor was the one who wanted to get married, but felt like she needed to write herself as the independent woman who didn’t want to get married. :( It takes us back to Dear Reader where she admits that she’s an unreliable narrator and WE WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW. But wow it’s fun to guess.
the sally rooney of it all
The boys heard I finished the chart.
RPattz heard I finished the chart.
I also couldn’t fit Miley → Liam → Gabriella Brooks → Matty without causing mass confusion, but know that exists.
tumblr foretold it, aka. matty motherfuckin healy
This one is for the 45 people who texted me, "So. Who is Matty?”
Who is Matty Healy? He’s the lead singer of The 1975. Thee British Nepo Baby. Tumblr King. Memorable musician with a terrifying stage presence. My guy. The dry, British, problematic, musically gifted idiot.
He’s Britain’s number one nepo baby. Matty’s dad is British actor, Tim Healy, and his mom is a very popular British talkshow personality, Denise Welch from Loose Women. He’s a recovering drug addict. He’s dated a lot of famous women. And he gets off on being very controversial online (you can read about that on his wiki). Jia Tolentino did an amazing piece on him last week.
How did he end up with Taylor? Well. It all started in 2013.
Maybe you were like me, a mere child, barely walking. Graduating college. But still, basically fresh out of the womb.
Taylor was riding high after the success of her fourth album Red, but she, like me, was ready for a new beginning. She wanted to be a star. So she ditched her fake southern accent and country roots, moved to New York, got herself a pop star boyfriend, a collection of gorgeous, tall friends, and fully devoted her life to pop music (everyone say, “Thank you Taylor.”).
She was spotted at two separate the 1975 concerts in 2013/2014. A show in LA and a show at the infamous, Terminal 5 in New York that broke the internet when photos were posted that showed Taylor and her BFF Karlie Kloss, allegedly, making out. What’s interesting is that before the internet started speculating about Matty and Taylor, when you googled “Taylor Swift + the 1975” all that came up were the Karlie photos. And now they’re…gone. Interesting.
But I digress, since Taylor followed Matty to two shows on opposite coasts the dating rumors started to flyyyy. Did they date? Maybe. Matty denied it. And eventually, Matty starts dating Halsey but is quoted as saying that being known as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend would be “emasculating.” Controversial, but honestly not wrong. He should have warned Joe.
It didn’t seem like Taylor took any offense because the two have been friendly ever since. Matty has continued to say extremely nice things about Taylor when asked, and since Matty’s rehab stint they share musical custody of Jack Antonoff. Matty even recently said he worked on a song for Midnights that didn’t make the album.
Ok. Cool. Makes sense. So, what? They’re dating now? We don’t know. Maybe? Probably?
There hasn’t been a confirmation, but they’re kissing at every members-only club in the city, and Matty’s singing along to “Shake It Off” at The Eras Tour, so. But regardless of if they’re boyfriend-girlfriend I’m getting a vibe that Matty has been around for a while. In a way that he was either a problematic figure within Taylor and Joe’s relationship (perhaps the guy Taylor told Joe not to worry about) or someone Joe hated/really got under his skin. Because in a lot of ways, Matty is Joe’s evil twin. (Jia actually calls Matty, Harry Styles evil twin, which is even funnier to me.) They are at complete opposite ends of the posh British boy spectrum. Joe has no personality, and Matty has too much.
But, this might be good for Taylor? Being with Matty pushes the limits of Taylor’s good-girl image that she has spent years trying to create. The outrage her most “loyal” fans have at her relationship with Matty can afford her a little bit of space from the fans who don’t see her as a real person, but a brand that must share their every thought, feeling, and belief.
Do I think this is forever? No, maybe? Probably not. Do I think this is a PR relationship? Definitely not. Do I think that Taylor did the Ice Spice collab as PR for Matty’s remarks on that dumb podcast? Yes. Do I think their breakup will rock the music industry? Yes. TWO BREAKUP ALBUMS!? Am I enjoying this? Absolutely. Did this TikTok break your brain? I have thought about nothing except Cardigan being about Matty Healy for weeks.
cardigan. A song released in 2020 that actually makes so much more sense when you think about it as a song not about a fictional love triangle, but about a relationship that didn’t work out in the past but was rekindled during the demise of a current relationship.
Question…? I’ve always thought this song is about the 1975 concert at Terminal 5 in 2013, and now I’ve never been more sure. Except I’ve always thought it was about Karlie and how they “didn’t kiss,” but maybe it’s about Matty. Or maybe it’s about both of them.
Bejeweled. The 1975 is the band. They are the band asking if Taylor still has a man. I know it.
Feel free to peruse this playlist made by a kind fan. And PLEASE let me know if you find any TikTok girlies out there who are finding the hidden messages between the lyrics.
6/5/2023. They broke up. The Swifties Union’s first demand has been met.
more taylor news
New thoughts on an old album. It’s been joked about for awhile that Taylor hates folklore’s sister album evermore, which I think is very rude because I have made my thoughts on evermore very clear. But then I realized Taylor does hate evermore. evermore is the equivalent of a night when you got way too drunk with someone you don’t know too well, things get real and you wake up the next morning realizing that you spilled your guts to someone you don’t know very well.
A threat. “Let’s Go (Battle)” isn’t one of the six vault songs on Speak Now (TV). Taylor should watch her back. I’m so serious right now.
A more serious threat. Morgan Wallen, Taylor and Miley have been going back and forth for weeks breaking each other’s #1 streak. But Speak Now (TV) is being categorized as a country album, so I’m guessing Morgan Wallen will be crying come release day.
“Joe Alwyn is looking hot and unbothered at Cannes.” Sure Jan.
:( It seems like Taylor’s breakup with Joe is finally setting in…
So long, Daisy Mae. Stevie Nicks thanked Taylor for writing, “You’re On Your Own Kid.” 😢
Literal midnight rain. Taylor performed for over three hours in the rain in Massachusetts. It broke her piano. This feels obvious to me. Like, of course, that amount of rain would ruin a piano? But what do I know?
The Taylors Lautner. Taylor Lautner and Taylor Lautner love being included in any Speak Now (TV) content, and I’m begging them to stop.
Re-Records. I think that Taylor needs to start popping these babies out. We need to be closing out all the eras so we can move on. I am not going to be interested in hearing Taylor Swift in 2025.
do you really want to know where I was April 29th, 30th, and May 26th? :)
I’m sure you already know. It was amazing. It was perfect. Get tickets, go. There’s no such thing as a bad seat. Some girls were meant to be performers, and Taylor is one of them. The concert is so fun. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had. I don’t know if we’ll ever see anything like this again in our lifetime.
And yes. I did see Jack Antonoff perform “Getaway Car” with Taylor and went absolutely feral when I realized we were about to hear “Maroon” live for the first time. And yes, I barely remember it.
If you or someone you know/know of/hate/love has extra tickets to ANY show, sell them to me :)
Anyways. I’m back. Missed this. Missed you. Missed us. <3
why isn't the chart going viral
Cackling about Cinderella. I missed you SO much.