Cheers to Being A Hater
Live. Laugh. Hate. Repeat.
Happy Gemini SZN my tres beautiful friends.
I should probably start out by saying I’m in a mood. Not a particularly bad one. But not a particularly good one either. Remember that @horse_ebooks tweet from 2012, “everything happens so much”? Yea. That’s how I feel right now. When do things stop happening? Have things been happening at this frequency forever?
Anyways. I would normally send this to the back of my notes app and wait for a better mood to strike where I am more charming, fun, and agreeable. But. It’s my newsletter. And I’ve already waited a while. And what if this feeling doesn’t go away. Do I just stay like this forever and never tell you about something I like even though I am still liking things regardless of being in a bad mood? No thanks, seems kinda dumb.
ALL that to say the tone is a lil different today.
I’m a Hater. Sue me.
Zach Braff. If you are a celebrity who owns two mediocre restaurants in New York you should be banned from ever starting a GoFundMe. You should be extra banned if that GoFundMe is to create a sequel (in tone) to a movie that you wrote and directed and grossed $35.8 million at the box office. I hate you Zach Braff. I hope Florence made you cry.
People Who Say Colorado Is A Part Of The Midwest. It’s the west! Go look at a map!
Whoever Decides How Much Things Should Weigh. Things shouldn’t be heavier than I’m able to carry.
People Forcing Me To Go To Awkward Meetings. We have been doing zoom meetings for over two years now. We have specific people whose entire jobs revolve around facilitating meetings. I should not be sitting on a call in uncomfortable silence. Give me an agenda.
The Creators of the Circe (HBO) Miniseries. Circe is my favorite book and their claim to fame is The Planet of the Apes franchise. I’m scared.
George Clooney. Yes. Sure, he’s done a lot of great in the world? (Idk if he has, I don’t want to look it up.) He’s unproblematic (as far as we know). But he owns a LARGE stake in the Nespresso company. And I have a bone to pick with them. Why is descaling my Nespresso machine so difficult? All this technology in all the world and I’m holding a button down for seven seconds? SEVEN????? Not five? Or like two? Seven is completely arbitrary. It is confusing. It is not easy. It is not fun. It makes me want to just buy another Nespresso machine. But I won’t because I’m thinking of the planet and trying to limit my waste. And I need George Clooney to listen to my complaints.
Side note: someone on tiktok/twitter/somewhere said that Anne Hathaway was in her “Amal Clooney Era” and I was like …excuse me? What does that even mean? Anne has always been a fashion girlie?
Taylor Swift Theorists on Tiktok. Block. Hard block. These ppl are out here with their canva templates convincing me of things I do not need to be convinced of. She is not double releasing Speak Now (TV) and 1989 (TV). She is not releasing TS10. She is not releasing Woodvale. But she will be selling every 1989 song to any TV Show/Movie she possibly can because she’s a capital C, Capitalist. (This isn’t me not not trying to jinx any of these things, but this tiktok is a good theory.)
City Planners Who Have Not Created Enough Package Drop-Off Locations. I have an ASOS winter coat sitting in its original packaging with the shipping label on it that I will never return because there are no drop-off locations anywhere near me. And now the window has closed. Does anyone want a coat?
Cyclists. Why are you traveling in packs in such tight clothes through Prospect Park?
Men at the grocery store. Why are you, as a man, standing directly in front of me in the granola aisle as I’m trying to allow a pathway for people to pass in front of me whilst trying to decide between chia and flax seed granolas? Shouldn’t you be out hunting?
Molly Baz. She’s a big fan of primary colors, modern art, and knock-off Le Creuset. I am not.
Eric Adams. Where is he. What is he plotting. Why didn’t everyone like my tweet.
BeReal Employees. I have many things I would like to discuss with you all. Can we get a variety of times? Can we get a notifications dashboard? Can we get CONSISTENT notifications? Can you use your tracking capabilities to figure out when I’m not home and send a prompt then? Can I PLEASE just be real with my friends?
That One Strategist On Twitter. IYKYK. I saw him on tiktok too :(
Tinx and SFK. I’m out. I wish them the best, but the influencer bubble has popped for me. I will be unfollowing (and probably pretending that I never followed).
The Person Who Didn’t Tell Me When The Union Market On Bedford and Lafayette Was Opening, Even Though They Knew For A Long Time. You know who you are. Catherine.
Things That Happened In Popular Culture Recently That You Should Know About
Anne Hathway is being exactly who Anne Hathaway has always been. Real Anne fans remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SNL: Selena hosted. They did an Amber Heard/Johnny Depp skit, and everyone involved should go to jail. Then a lot of people quit. I honestly don’t know if Pete Davidson is funny? I’m trying to remember one sketch, and I can’t? They cut Kyle Mooney’s goodbye, an absolute tragedy because he invented SPORTS. Weird that it’s not bigger news that Kate McKinnon is done?
Harry’s House is a 100000/10 for me. Zero skips. Can’t choose a favorite. A perfect album.
Florence + the Machine’s new album is also a 100000/10. We are so blessed with music right now.
In direct contrast, the Jack Harlow Pitchfork review is meaner than anything I’ve ever said.
Kourtney Kardashian married Travis Barker in an ad for Dolce & Gabbana, a fashion house that has repeatedly insulted the Kardashian family for years, an odd choice. My fav fashion tweeter has a lot of good discourse here. Personally, my Kardashian views are changing, and I might have to re-evaluate my relationship with them.
Ukraine won Eurovision and many people are questioning if politics influenced the decision. The artist is a Ukranian soldier who left the battlefield to rap at the European competition. I’ll let you form your own opinions.
Ezra Miller is STILL wreaking havoc in Hawaii.
Kendall Jenner cut a cucumber weird. I’m sure you’ve seen it.
Taylor Swift is a doctor now.
Joe Alwyn, unmemorable adult blonde male, is still claiming to have (partially) written five of the most well-written songs from the past decade and I still cannot bring myself to believe it. It is actually unfathomable to me.
The Wagatha Christie trial has started. Please text me if you are following. If you’re interested in the background I recommend this Who Weekly episode.
Cara Delevigne was following Meg Thee Stallion around the Billboard Music Awards like a sleep paralysis demon. (yes, these are all individual tweets)
Hilary Duff was naked on a magazine cover (she looks great).
Liam Payne cheated on his wife/girlfriend, and she found out because a 1D fan account posted a photo of Liam and his mistress, but tagged the wife/girlfriend. Harsh.
Some guy from Grey’s Anatomy is in a Broadway play completely naked and twitter got a pic that was then passed around a SkDiSh™* party I was at a couple weeks ago.
*Skinny Dirty ShirleyEmma Chamberlain (still a who? to me) and Gigi Hadid had an iconic Met Gala interview. In years to come, this interview will be the only thing I remember from the 2022 Met Gala. Big slay.
Barstool Podcast Drama (from someone who doesn’t listen/watch any Barstool podcasts, just sees the clips on tiktok, but is now obsessed because I miss office drama)
BFFs Podcast Drama
Josh (co-host)’s ex-girlfriend, Nessa (musician), broke up with her boyfriend, Jaden, who is also Josh’s ex-best friend. Nessa and Josh were together at the beginning of 2021 when the BFFs podcast started and she was on a bunch. Dave (you know him, he also co-hosts) really liked her—then really hated her after the scandal. Apparently, they broke YouTube back in 2021 when the scandal broke.
Update: Josh and Nessa have been spotted together multiple times by snapchat sleuths; unclear how Josh’s “girlfriend” Mia feels. Dave is mad at Brianna (co-host), because she knew for weeks that Josh and Nessa had been ~talking~. Nessa said she won’t be on the pod, but girlie pop has an album to sell, so I’m sure she’ll be on soon and we’ll get some answers.
Sports Podcast Drama
Ok. This one is complicated because I don’t know any of the people (or podcasts) and I only got served one or two tiktoks about it. But one of the girls (Ria) from Chicks in the Office (a podcast) recently broke up with a guy named Hank, who is also on a Barstool podcast about sports. Hank seems very popular, very aggressive, and very good friends with Dave (possibly because he’s from Boston too). Idfk. I’m working off of two tiktoks here. I’m not sure when Ria and Hank broke up, but Hank is not over it. And now Ria is dating a Barstool podcast producer named Mush. I know. Drama. So, of course. Dave, being Dave. He forces this Hank and Mush to be on his podcast and air out their dirty laundry. It resulted in Mush being like, “yea, I am probably gonna marry this girl (Ria),” and Hank looking like he’s about to cry. But then the clip ended, and I have no idea what the resolution was.
Update: Tom Brady tweeted Team Hank or something? So now reddit is going to expose all the people who talk shit on the Barstool forum? Idk. I’m so lost.
Not podcast-related, but I just found out yesterday that Jenna Marbles was one of the original Barstool people.
What I’m Watching
A lot. I took my month off of tv, and surprisingly the tv didn’t stop. It’s just gotta be a list. There are too many shows; Hacks, feels like a system update for my personality. Bridgerton s2, still haven’t finished. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, down with Lisa Rinna. Real Housewives of Atlanta, Team Sheree assemble. Summer House, it is possible to love Lindsay AND Paige. Below Deck Sailing Yacht, I’m concerned about my boyfriend, Gary. Top Chef, I’m so far behind. Selling Sunset (what season are we even on), I watched the reunion but didn’t finish the show; I still believe Jason and Chrishell were real, which I know is INSANE. Conversations with Friends, hoping Joe doesn’t ruin this for me. Drive to Survive s2, love my boys. Derry Girls. The Staircase (HBO, team owl). The Kardashians. Under the Banner Sky. Ted Lasso.
Love Island, Southern Charm, Real Housewives of Dubai, and Ultimate Girl’s Trip 2 all start within the next month.
I’ve given up on RHONJ for the year. I’m so far behind and honestly can’t watch the Gorgas.
But all of that to say, I’m upset because I don’t have any time for my comfort shows. When can I watch a casual two seasons of Hart of Dixie or Schitt’s Creek. When. When will I have time to rewatch Bob’s Burgers before the movie (that I will be seeing in theaters). WHEN.
Some More Things I Love:
I think we should have an American Girl Doll as president. An actual doll. I don’t think a lot would be different.
Powerthesaurus.org
Rereading Little Weirds and having it resonate just as much the millionth time around.
The takedown of deuxmoi THRILLS ME. Absolutely amazing journalism. Deuxmoi is not blocking everyone who is participating in the discourse cause they’re pathetic.
Saying big slay.
Glee was maybe the most unhinged show to ever be on television. Paved the way for Riverdale.
Something I’m Still Trying To Decide If I Like Or Not:
Conversations with Friends (Hulu). It’s my favorite Sally Rooney book, I still haven’t even watched Normal People cause I couldn’t get through the book, but the characterization of Frances feels off. It’s not even the acting or the accents (I genuinely can’t tell that Joe’s accent is bad). It’s like Frances has a completely different personality than I thought when I was reading the book. Wait. Just found a tiktok that explains what I’m thinking. What did we do before tiktok.
Some More Things I Hate:
Being a Swiftie, Selenator, AND Barb takes up so much of my time
I fear that gen z is about to enter their Bronte Sisters era. iykyk.
sorry this was unhinged, but also whatever. :) ttyl. call. text. dm.
EDITS:
The union market is on Bedford and Lincoln
And I’m sorry for spelling Anne’s name wrong so many times.
I do not edit. It’s a problem!!!!!!! I’m sorry!!!!!!