Only Bad Things Happen at Cipriani
This would have never happened if I had just gone to my eyelash appointment
Hello my sweet baby angels.
YES. I’M LATE. SUE ME.
Actually. Please don’t sue me… How does one even go about finding a lawyer? Can I use Angie’s list? I LOVE Angie’s List. Adding Angie’s List to TIL. Do you think Angie’s List would sponsor me? Something to look into.
Anyways, I’m on day 3 of a hangover and day 10 of a migraine, so please, for the love of god, take some pity on me.
As always, feel free to bully anyone into subscribing!
Why does my brain feel like a raisin (but also like a gross piece of deli meat, ugh, I’m gonna puke again) and other thoughts on hangovers
In 2012 I was 20 years old. I was studying abroad (lol), making poor choices in clubs (don’t go to space, iykyk), and eating pizza for every meal. In 2022 I am 30 years old. I am barely working (lol), making poor choices at restaurant bars, and eating pizza for 50% of my meals (s/o Glou and my air fryer).
To be completely transparent, I don’t think 20 year old me would be so surprised by where I am now. After the initial shock that I’m not married with 2.5 kids living in the Colorado suburbs and going to pilates every day wore off, I imagine she’d be pretty impressed—pretty impressed by everything except the choices I made this week.
See, I wasn’t my typical bright and logical self this week. I became an unhinged jester, thrilled at the prospect of spending time with my friends from out of town. While I don’t think it’s necessary to relive my poor choices I know I can trust you all to keep your judgments of me to yourself because you’ve been there. We are merely humans trying to make the best of things. All you need to know is that you will not be catching me at Cipriani, Catch NYC, or anywhere in the Meatpacking District of Manhattan.
So here are all the times I tried to start the newsletter this week whilst hungover, unedited for your viewing pleasure.
- Are you kidding me. What the fuck do scientists do? How are we supposed to live like this? How am I waking up on a Wednesday morning, still drunk with no way to stop it? What am I supposed to do?
- Is Liquid IV poison? A detailed review of what people have told me.
- I’m not sure why I just found a fennel seed in my hair, but I think it has something to do with the frozen pizza I cooked in the air fryer last night. Yes, I’m a chef. Remember that drunk chef series from like 2016? I gotta go watch it right now. (Turns out that doesn’t exist and I was thinking of a snapchat from 2017)
- Does anyone’s head ever feel SO heavy when they’re hungover? Do I just have an extremely weak neck? Should I be working out my neck? I’m currently typing this upside down on my couch, in my living room because my phone is gonna die (yes, I write all of these on my phone, in my notes app. SUE ME.) and I don’t have a charger in my bedroom and I feel like my head is gonna explode and oh my god I think I threw up last night.
- Finally walked to Duane Read and then Rite aid in search of the one thing I know will cure me. My good friend Celsius. And what did I find? Not Celsius. There is no Celsius in this god-forsaken city. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. Is this what it’s like to live in Ohio?
- If I didn’t get COVID last night I simply never will.
- Last night I ordered a round of chardonnay for the table. I think it was a bit. I hope it was a bit. Like, “Hey waiter at Catch NYC, can I get a round of chardonnay on ice for my girlies? With straws? Thanks babe.” I don’t even like white wine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I think this might be worse than the time I made my uber stop at the McDonalds on Metropolitan and then I thought I lost my phone so I walked all the way back to Clinton Hill and then found my phone in one of the many pockets of my Dagne Dover.
- Does anyone have any hangover tips that don’t involve me paying $300 for a nurse to come to my apartment with an IV?
- I’m so cold but I’m sweating. I feel like a small victorian child shivering beneath my blanket, will I ever make it through this cold winter?
- Like Jesus, I will never know the world I created last night. Ok. Not sure that one completely works but will reevaluate in a few hours.
- I simply need everyone to stop coming to town. Stay in your towns. I am so tired.
- “Meatpacking is the gay Disneyland of Manhattan.” - Grace Martin, 2022
- If you asked me what I’d be doing in week 9 (I had to look this up and it hurt my brain) of 2022 I don’t think it’d be what I’m doing right now. I would have never guessed that I’d be lying on the floor next to my couch because my bed is too high and my couch is too soft and I need to be able to watch tv but I can’t lift my head so I stacked my yoga blocks and now I can watch season 18 of top chef in peace.
A List of Alleged Hangover Cures (that don’t work for me)
Water. How are you drinking water? Seriously. I am naturally dehydrated and nothing sounds worse than water when I’m hungover
A BEC. I have this thing about eggs and I’m lactose intolerant so this is my hell
Sprite + McDonalds. I mean yea sure but the shame is so much worse
Green juice. Mentally doesn’t work for me
Working Out. Unfortunately, this has worked for me in the past
Showering. The idea of being hungover with wet hair is making me more hungover
A beer. ew. go away
Motrin. I think I’m immune
Going on with your business as normal. Mind over matter people make me sick.
Zinc. I just read about this online and bought some, so tbd.
Pre-Hangover Pills. When I experience this level of hungover it’s because I wasn’t even mentally prepared to drink the night before, let alone have a handy hangover pill within a 50 feet vicinity of me.
Please let me know if there is anything that works for you. I can’t keep doing this.
Things I Can’t Stop Thinking About
The Pizza Bianca at Ci Siamo
Hal’s being the superior carbonated beverage brand
How some bodegas are just like lockers for people who live in the neighborhood
Web weaving. I need to do a whole thing about this but I’m addicted to scrolling and emoting on tumblr.
Things I’m Looking For
Black table lamps. I want to replace the lamps in my living room, let me know if you find something that’s not so sharp and modern (not my vibe).
Nespresso Pod recommendations. They have so many new flavors, I’m overwhelmed.
Yoga Pants (or are we calling them flared leggings, lmk). I need them to be short. I bought a few pairs from aerie and they’re perfect but I feel like I’m in 9th grade again.
Hope you’re all doing better than I am, see you Sunday! It’s a good one! A call to arms!