Happy Sunday :) I miss Euphoria :) I need RHOSLC to be over :)

I got a couple of requests from trusted readers asking me to include more pop culture touchpoints and let everyone know what I’m watching…which will probably be embarrassing, but who cares. Feel free to send me any requests, comments, or concerns! Just know I might ignore them because this is my circus!

Ok. Great. Excited. Let’s go. I think if you like celebrity chefs, reality tv, bravo, or you usually go to a restaurant and spend $130pp, you’re going to like this one.

Dear @Andy,

It’s me. You didn’t respond to my text a couple of weeks ago. You know the one where I told you that it was ok to finish Jackie’s kegger in episode 3 of RHONJ? We’re all adults here; we don’t need a “to be continued“ every week. We’ll be back. Every Tuesday. We always are. Save the cliffhangers for the end of the season.

BUT that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. It’s surprisingly not even about Real Housewives. You know where this is going. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked this to death. This shouldn’t come as a surprise.

We have to talk about Top Chef (and Project Runway).

The first episode of Top Chef (and Project Runway*) should not be unnecessarily complicated. It should not be a team challenge. It should be a level playing field so the viewers can judge who they like best and learn everyone’s styles, stories, tastes, etc. There should be no disadvantages. Being a chef (or a fashion designer) is very, very difficult. And nearly impossible to be successful at. All of these people gave up so much to come to whatever weirdo town you’re deciding to film in (Houston? Are you for real?), and then you’re going to embarrass them in the first 30 minutes? It isn’t nice. Give them one challenge to prove themselves! Let America fall in love with them! I want to want to find them on social media! I want to remember anything about them except that they got screwed by getting assigned a PARTRIDGE as their protein!

I get it. You’re probably like, “Kel, baby gorgeous, sweetie, you don’t know what goes into making a successful show.” Wrong, did you not read my newsletter last week? I’m well-versed in TV. I will fix it. With chicken. Give them a chicken. Let them do whatever they want to the chicken. This is now their competition to fuck up. And I guarantee at least one of them will fuck up and serve Tom Colicchio under-cooked chicken, one of them will get too wrapped up in the pressure and make something terrifying, and one of them won’t get the chicken on the plate at all. I promise that the drama will still be there, and no one will have to eat a partridge (or worse, turkey).

One chance! I’m asking for just one chance! Then you can fuck them over nonstop for the next 10-12 challenges.

Ok, ilysm. See you later at the RHOSLC reunion. <3ko

*Project Runway’s first episode should just be an outfit. Give them $200, and they have to make an outfit. That’s it.

Top Chef Season 20: Kelley’s Celeb Picks

Next year is their 20th season, so they’re probably going to start filming soon, and they should do something special. So if someone could send this list of celeb chefs I think would be great TV along to @Andy and @Padma, I’d appreciate it!

The Pioneer Woman, aka Ree Drummond. No explanation is needed. I love her. She can have a great storyline of the dangers of falling in love and leaving her career to move to Oklahoma, where her husband, Ladd, owns a cattle ranch. Her kids are her camera crew and producers. She’s a prankster. I cannot wait to see what kind of cheesy casserole situation she’s showing up with. (I thought her and Rae Dunn were the same person for far too long.)

Nadiya from Series 6 of GBBO. I don’t know why we don’t have more British people on Top Chef to begin with. Also, this is my show, and I’d make the whole show British if I knew any other British chefs.

Allison Roman. It’s true, I’m an Allison apologist, and I think she’d bring the controversy, which is what I want out of my reality tv. And since she’s going to be on the CNN streaming, she’s probably already friends with Anderson. Make the call, @Andy! (It would also really piss off Chrissy Tiegen.)

Emeril. BAM!

Kwame. I looooooove Kwame. He was my fav chef on Season 13, and his dry commentary makes him my favorite current guest judge. And now that we’ve met his ex-fiance on Summer House, I want him to go back into the competition to tell us his side of the breakup.

Martha Stewart. I’m a ride or die Martha fan. She’d probably make some version of a weed pesto at some point, and it would be delightful. Martha would be in my final 2 with The Pioneer Woman.

Ina & Jeffrey. It would be insulting to invite Ina without her muse, Jeffrey. I think he’d bring a calming presence that would be really helpful during the challenges.

Guy Fieri. I don’t ever think about Guy, but he has an insane fan base, so they’d bring the ratings.

Meryl Streep dressed up as Julia Child. Would be funny.

Morimoto!!!! We need the original Iron Chef energy.

Gordon Ramsay. Again, I don’t think about Gordy, but I think he’d get real pissed if he lost, and that’d be great tv.

Swedish Chef. He’s really cute, and I’m really into muppets right now. I think he’d get kicked off during Restaurant Week.

Adrien Grenier, as the bad (but hot) chef in Devil Wears Prada. Let Anne Hathaway be a judge, and it’s basically just a Devil Wears Prada sequel.

Things That Happened In Popular Culture You Should Know About:

What I’m Watching

Nancy Drew. It’s a CW show, but it’s streaming on HBO. Usually, I’m out on anything that’s too Riverdale-y, but I love Nancy and mysteries. It’s a lot of fun! The acting is very bad. Very very bad. Makes me think I could be an actor. I think I could still play a high schooler. Don’t tell me otherwise.

Top Chef. Obviously. Can’t wait for ep 2.

The Righteous Gemstones. I’m only a couple of episodes in, but I’m really, really loving it.

RHOSLC. Will it ever be over?

Kandi & the Gang. I laughed out loud multiple times. Praying for an Atlanta Vanderpump-esque show.

Not Harry Potter. For the second time this year, it wasn’t a Harry Potter Weekend.

Other Things I Like Right Now:

Checking in on my friends via "Find My Friends”
The CEO of Fruit Twitter™ has declared strawberries the official fruit of 2022, and I agree!
The Verrazzano Bridge. You have to respect a bridge that is barely useable and shouldn’t exist but does anyway.
Longwinded manic girlies on TikTok is my love language
This whole thread

Some Things I Hate Right Now:

I woke up with Becky G’s “Shower” stuck in my head
Orange Sanpellegrino. Why is it so terrible when Blood Orange is so good?

Ok. That’s it. Feel free to tweet, text, voice message, or even dm me about any of these things If you want to talk! Ok! Bye!

Top Chicken Shop Date Chef