hi swifties.

I recommend opening this email in a browser/the substack app because it is long…but I couldn’t bring myself to send out multiple Taylor Swift emails. That would be crazy.

But hi! It’s been awhile! I needed some time off to get the ol brain right. But I’m back, we’re back, Taylor’s back! I’m ready, you’re ready, Taylor’s ready!

It’s weird that we haven’t talked about Taylor yet. She is such a large chunk of what I like. So let’s do it. Let’s rank the Taylor albums. I will focus on the music and pepper in the conspiracies as they become necessary. Because while I love talking about Taylor, if I tried to explain the lore of it all we would be here for years, and I need to keep some sense of moral superiority over the psychotic swiftie tiktok girlies… (Don’t @ me, I am them and they are me.)

Feel free to let me know what you agree with, what you disagree with, and how much you hate everything about my rankings (because I guarantee you will).

and welcome to my fair weather fans, we’re thrilled to have you

my official ranking of taylor’s albums!!!!!!!!!!

And then all of my favorite songs in order from those albums. Here’s the playlist:

1989 (2014)

Blondie can break out her lil guitar and lil keyboard whenever she wants, but I’m ALWAYS going to be fiending for a bop. I love to bop. I love to do a lil dance. I love something that you can naturally tap back to in SoulCycle. I love the most heart-wrenching lyrics you’ve ever heard attached to a cute lil synth-pop beat.

Would I pick Max Martin over Jack Antanoff? I don’t feel comfortable answering that question at this time.

who is it about:

Harry Styles, Katy Perry, The Squad
:)we:)do:)not:)have:)enough:)time:)to:)talk:)about:)dianna:)agron:)

the song that changed my life:

clean. I would kill someone for this song. I’d sell a kidney for this song. I’d run across America for this song. For years I was bullied for loving this song and now I see it constantly trending on tiktok. I am one with the youths.

THEE bops (aka, the whole album, minus Welcome To New York):

Wonderland. Drama about this song—D*anna Argon had a wonderland tattoo that she had removed. Interesting, right?
This Love (Taylor’s Version). Taylor’s Version 🥹
Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version). Perfect song. A perfect song. Also a great music video.
New Romantics. BOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Are In Love. 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹
All You Had To Do Was Stay. Taylor is really out here for the girls with abandonment issues.
Blank Space. Thank you for encouraging all of us to be fucking psychotic. Love u girlie. <3
I Wish You Would. Underrated and forgotten bop.
Style. A classic. People will be talking about this song in 1000 years.
Out of the Woods. This song is allegedly about a time when Taylor and Harry Styles committed vehicular manslaughter.
Bad Blood (feat. Kendrick Lamar). It is never not funny that Taylor collabed with Kendrick on a song about being mad at Katy Perry for stealing her backup dancers.

a reminder that Taylor is always on the internet and knows exactly what we’re all saying about her at all times:

Reputation (2017)

(if you’re my friend Jen, know that I’m expecting a text saying “I told you so.”)

I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong. And I was wrong about Reputation. If you asked me to rank Taylor’s albums three years ago it would be much lower. If you asked me to rank Taylor’s albums when Reputation came out in 2017, well…it would be dead last. And yet here we are, in 2022, and I considered ranking it above 1989 (my emotional attachment to Clean wouldn’t allow it). But here it is. This album is Taylor at her most romantic, beautiful, FUN, hot, cool, etc etc.

who is it about:

Kanye, Kim Kardashian, Scooter Braun, Joe Alwyn, Calvin Harris, Tom Hiddleston
:)we:)do:)not:)have:)enough:)time:)to:)talk:)about:)karlie:)kloss:)

the swifTEA:

Up until Reputation Taylor led a very regimented life; every two years she’d drop an album, go on tour, etc etc. But guess what happened at the beginning of 2016, a mere matter of months before her alleged sixth album?

So, allegedly, because of the Kanye/Kim phone call drama, Taylor scraps her sixth album* and releases reputation as a huge fuck you to Kanye and the music industry at large.
*The unreleased sixth album was rumored to have been called “karma,” and she’s a bitch.
During this time period, Taylor is in a tumultuous relationship with Calvin Harris, a publicity-seeking one with Tom Hiddleston, and met her current boyfriend Joe Alwyn. (I’ll include Kaylor links at the end of the email.)

bops:

Dress. 🥲
Gorgeous. :) this song is definitely about a boy :)
Call It What You Want It. This song flopped as a single, and when I first heard it I thought it was incredibly cringe. I was wrong. Turns out it’s one of the most beautiful love songs of all time.
Delicate. “Is it cool that I said all that?” No. It’s really not.
Getaway Car. I’M IN A GETAWAY CAR. I LEFT YOU AT THE MOTEL BAR. TOOK THE MONEY AND THE BAG AND I STOLE THE KEYS THAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVER SAW ME.
Don’t Blame Me. Oh, look, another song about a boy...
Dancing With Our Hands Tied. <3
So It Goes…. *whispers* one two three
Look What You Made Me Do. “ALL I THINK ABOUT IS KARMA” 👀
King Of My Heart. a bop.
New Year’s Day. again, I thought this was so cringe, but i was wrong.

Lover (2019)

Welcome to my list.

who is it about:

Karlie. I’m sorry. I’m not going to pretend for this one.
Joe, Calvin Harris, Hilary Clinton (lol), Big Machine, Scooter Braun, Kanye, Evil Men, etc etc

COVID took a lot from me, but it mostly took the chance to see these songs live at 27 years old with my best friends at LoverFest:

Death By A Thousand Cuts. Allegedly, Taylor was inspired by “Someone Great” on Netflix for this song, and it’s one of my favorite movies. Also. Lol. The bridge.

Cornelia Street. I’m finding it very difficult to talk about this song. This song means to me what New York means to me. Does that make sense?
Cruel Summer. “Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes.” Sorry that’s art.

Daylight. “I once thought love would be burning red but it’s golden.” I’m not crying, you’re crying.
The Archer. This flopped as a single, and that was a mistake made by ALL OF YOU. I could cry if I think about this song too hard.
I Think He Knows. I love when she goes, “I mean…”
I Forgot That You Existed. A bop. We love a bop opener.
Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince. Everyone should watch her Netflix documentary.
Lover. If you hate this song you’re wrong.
False God. Definitely about a man. 100% about a man.
Afterglow. Certified bop.
London Boy. This song makes me LAUGH. “We can go driving in, on my scooter…”

songs with good lyrics but bad target beats:

ME! I didn’t capitalize that, she did.
You Need To Calm Down. The lyrics are fine but the beat is Target.

songs you could not pay me to listen to:

Soon You’ll Get Better (Feat. The Chicks). no<3

I’m getting tired. I can’t believe how much more we have.

evermore (2020)

This is my list, sorry. And someone has to stand up for evermore since Taylor won’t. This is the album for the girlies who overshare and wake up the next morning being like “hmm shouldn’t have said that.” For the girlies who are alternating their wellbutrin and adderall, I see you, you are welcomed here.

who is it about:

Karlie Kloss
Selena Gomez, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Dianna Agron, Joe Allwyn, Calvin Harris, Harry Styles, Scooter Braun, Jake Gyllenhaal

the swifTEA:

songs that prove having depression is actually a good thing:

gold rush. Yes.
right where you left me - bonus track. On this album she has two bonus tracks that are two different endings to the album and I’m constantly in awe of her mind.
long story short. Oh hello little BOP, what are you doing here? I’m not complaining, I’m actually so happy you’re here.
champagne problems. *insert Nicole Kidman, “heartbreak feels good in a place like this” meme*
willow. A great single. Something that is rarely said about Taylor.
no body, no crime (feat. HAIM). I love those tall girls.
‘tis the damn season. This song is our suburban childhoods.
closure. How many different ways has Taylor told evil men “fuck you” in her music without ever having to say those words?
marjorie. 🥲
happiness. </3
ivy. I started watching Dickinson because this song is used in it. Taylor’s power.
dorothea. This song is about Selena Gomez and that’s cute.
tolerate it. This song is last because it physically hurts to listen to, not because I think it should be last.
additional songs I love but don’t have any specific thoughts on: cowboy like me, evermore (feat. Bon Iver), coney island (feat. The National), it’s time to go - bonus track

flops:

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folklore (2020)

I’m laughing at all the texts I’m about to get at having folklore below evermore AND lover. Anyways, this album is for all the girls who thought they only had seasonal depression, but turns out they have real depression. Welcome.

who is it about:

Joe? Random people they made up? *insert “sure, jan” gif*
Shmarlie Shmoss :)

songs that I prefer to cry to when it’s 95 degrees out and I need to disassociate with maladaptive daydreams:

hoax. lol. The bridge. “You knew the hero died, so what’s the movie for?”
the 1. I can’t actually talk about this song.
august. As an August Virgo with a Leo stellium you know this had to be a top 3. I also love anything that references a mall.
the lakes - bonus track. What is it with me and bonus tracks?
this is me trying. Her most sinister song. This is the moment I realized Taylor was evil.
my tears ricochet. “I can go anywhere I want, just not home.” Blondie can fuck off with that shit.
invisible string. There’s this whole tiktok series that ties this song back to Emily Dickenson and Sylvia Plath. I will find it and link it in another TL. Or in a comment.
cardigan. I rarely like singles, but I love this song. Unfortunately, the samsung commercial ruined it for me.
betty. Oh, so you’re telling me there’s another song about Karlie Kloss?
seven. Sleeper hit.

songs I don’t necessarily love but I have something to say about them:

exile (feat. Bon Iver). I’m gonna get yelled at for this. I just don’t ever seek this song out. It’s very “cool.”
peace. We didn’t need peace and hoax, and while I prefer hoax I know most people prefer peace.
epiphany. I don’t like war.
mad woman. This song is about Kim Kardashian, and I’m so fucking sick of thinking about Kim Kardashian.
mirrorball. This song comes in waves for me. Sometimes it’s as important to me as delicate, other times i’m like huh this is why evermore has better songs. The bridge is iconic.

Red (Taylor’s Version) (2012 & 2021)

If you weren’t mad about folklore you’re definitely going to be mad about this. I’m not sorry! I’m always going to skew more pop and (while it might not seem like it bc there are 30 fucking songs on this album) a majority of Red (Taylor’s Version) just don’t do it for me. I’d even go as far to say that most of the vault tracks are better than the songs on the original record. But regardless. Sorry Jake.

who is it about:

Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Styles, the Kennedy boy, Ethel Kennedy, Joni Mitchell
:)we:)do:)not:)have:)enough:)time:)to:)talk:)about:)dianna:)agron:)

there are thirty songs on this album so i’m not going to write something about every single one that I like, so here are some high-level thoughts that i’d like to discuss:

Better Man (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). This is one of the best songs Taylor has ever written and it upsets me to this day that she gave it to Little Big Town. It’s better than every song on Red (Taylor’s Version). I’m not sorry. It’s better than All Too Well. Nail me to the cross, I don’t care.
I Almost Do (Taylor’s Version). This song is not only ten times sadder than ATW, but I think vocally and lyrically much more interesting. Sorry! You were warned! Also, this song refutes “if they wanted to they would,” which I think is culturally important.
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (Taylor’s Version). A BOPPPPPP. When she goes, “pfft, so he calls me up and he’s like, “I still love you,” and I’m like, I’m just, I mean, this is exhausting, you know?” it’s a vibe.
The Very first night (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). I love this song: )
Begin Again (Taylor’s Version). A perfect song. Also a perfect closing song.
The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol) (Taylor’s Version). This was recently ranked Taylor’s worst collab and I think that’s entirely unfair when all of her Ed Sheeran collabs exist. This song reminds me of Colorado winters.
The Moment I Knew (Taylor’s Version). My conspiracy theory is that lyrics from this song were originally a part of the original ~*rumored*~ ATW 10 minute version.
Nothing New (feat. Phoebe Bridgers) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). I don’t really think this song was written in 2012. I think Taylor wrote it more recently and it just fits with red. But whatever, it’s a great song. Phoebe’s voice compliments Taylor’s voice perfectly.
All Too Well (Taylor’s Version) & All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). I’m currently locking the door to my apartment and preparing for the angry mob to show up outside to crucify me. I don’t really care about this song. Even before the hype, it was never my favorite. Is it interesting that Taylor lost her virginity (the red scarf has always been her virginity, grow up) at Maggie Gyllenhaal’s apartment? Absolutely. But it doesn’t do a lot for me. I also don’t think THIS 10 minute version was really written during the original release. Twin flames and taking down the patriarchy didn’t exist in 2012.
additional bops: Come Back…Be Here (Taylor’s Version), Babe (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault), Girl At Home (Taylor’s Version), Message In A Bottle (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault), Forever Winter (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault), I Knew You Were Trouble (Taylor’s Version)

not my faves, but I have something to say:

22 (Taylor’s Version). It’s not fun unless you’re turning 22.
Everything Has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran) (Taylor’s Version). Keep this ginger man away from me.
Ronan (Taylor’s Version). Not today ma’am.

Speak Now (2010)

When we get the re-records this will probably move above Red (Taylor’s Version), maybe even above folklore… Mostly because this is my favorite unreleased song and it better be in that god damn vault:

who is it about:

John Mayer, Taylor Lautner , Kanye, Joe Jonas, Camilla Belle (what happened to her???)

until we get battle on spotify here are my faves:

Sparks Fly. She’s that girl.
Dear John. Your days are numbered John Mayer.
Mine. I illegally downloaded this song before her debut album came out so I really didn’t even know this was on Speak Now until I was making this list.
Last Kiss. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Back To December. I’m not totally sure if this song is about Taylor Lautner, but in my mind it is.
The Story Of Us. BOPPPPPPPPPPP.
Enchanted,Innocent, Haunted. I like all of them but they are interchangeable.
Mean. In college I used to play a lot of “pranks” and once I texted my roommate’s exboyfriend the lyrics to “Mean” and it was a very funny joke.
If This Was A Movie. I always get this song confused with the Hannah Montana movie song.

Fearless (Taylor’s Version) (2008 & 2021)

This album came out when I was 16 years old, and when I listen to it I feel 16 years old. I’m immediately taken back to suburban Colorado and it’s not for me. Like with Red (Taylor’s Version), I like a lot of the vault tracks more than the original songs. I’m not sure if that’s because I have so many memories associated with the original songs, or if it’s because the vault songs feel like they were written more recently? Just in the style of fearless? Who could say?

(This will feel like a lot of songs because there are 26 songs on the album. JFC.)

who is it about:

Joe Jonas, Abigail
:)we:)do:)not:)have:)enough:)time:)to:)talk:)about:)emily:)poe:)

bops:

The Other Side Of The Door (Taylor’s Version). WITH YOUR FACE AND THE BEAUTIFUL EYES. AND THE CONVERSATION WITH THE LITTLE WHITE LIES. AND THE FADED PICTURE OF A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. YOU CARRIED ME FROM YOUR CAR UP THE STAIRS. AND I BROKE DOWN CRYING, WAS SHE WORTH THIS MESS? AFTER EVERYTHING AND THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS. AFTER EVERYTHING, I MUST CONFESS, I…need you.
You All Over Me (feat. Maren Morris) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). Godddddd this song is amazing.
Mr. Perfectly Fine (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). Sophie Turner loves this song that Taylor Swift wrote about her husband, Joe Jonas.
Come In With The Rain (Taylor’s Version). <3
Forever & Always (Taylor’s Version) and Forever & Always (Piano Version) (Taylor’s Version). The piano version. THE PIANO VERSION.
The Way I Loved You (Taylor’s Version). A prelude to Red (Taylor’s Version).
Tell Me Why (Taylor’s Version). A more refined Picture To Burn.
You’re Not Sorry (Taylor’s Version). Woof.
Breathe (feat. Colbie Caillat) (Taylor’s Version).
White Horse (Taylor’s Version). Before evermore came out this was her saddest song.
We Were Happy (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). ALL OF THESE SONGS ARE SAD.
Don’t You (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault). 🥲
songs that are happy: Fearless (Taylor’s Version), Jump Then Fall (Taylor’s Version), Today Was A Fairytale (Taylor’s Version), That’s When (feat. Keith Urban) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

Taylor Swift (2006)

I downloaded the album off of limewire and got so many viruses. And then I embedded them into my Myspace page in a way that you couldn’t turn them off when you visited my profile. Women in STEM. How she wrote these when we were 15/16 is beyond me. I wish I could rank her higher, but someone has to be last.

songs that were on my myspace with lyrics that I definitely used as my aim away message:

Cold As You. “You do what you want because I’m not what you wanted.”
Tim McGraw. I never would have become a country girl if it wasn’t for this song.
Should’ve Said No. the beginning of me loving angry songs.
Picture To Burn. 👏🏻bring👏🏻back👏🏻the👏🏻homophobic👏🏻version👏🏻
Teardrops On My Guitar. THIS SONG IS HARD TO LISTEN TO.
Our Song. the original bop.

interested in gaylor?

If you want to do a deep dive here are some helpful links: anything by jill, swiftgron masterpost, kaylor masterpost, kaylor welcome center.

Thanks for playing! Lmk your thoughts, concerns, opinions, etc. Or feel free to call me and yell at me over my controversial ATW stance! I’m used to it!

Wow I’m so tired. See you at midnight<3

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