Bonjour (sent from Paris)!

Have you heard that I’m in Paris? It’s true. I’m here in Paris. In a Parisian airbnb that really does feel like the Parisian version of my apartment. And I’m sure some of you might be like, yea right Kelley, there’s no way you’d be writing your newsletter in Paris… And to that I say, touché! And follow up by asking, have you heard of a write-off? If you’re my accountant (sorry Eric), I’d like to point out that I am ~WORKING~! I even bought a keyboard case for my ipad! There’s no stopping me now. Except there is a learning curve because the keys are so tiny, but whatever, we persevere.

Current view. I’m sorry, I can’t make the picture smaller on the mobile Substack. Learning curves!!!

My First BFFs

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that I was obsessed with MKA growing up. I was a big fan of all the classic girl groups; The Spice Girls (I’m Baby, always), Powerpuff Girls (Bubbles), Sailor Moon (seriously? I’m Sailor Moon, I even had a black cat) and MKA (we’ll get there). Growing up before social media with my only pop culture influences coming from Fox Family Channel, these girl groups formed a lot of my childhood identity. Which gives me the authority to decide who is a Mary-Kate and who is an Ashley.

So put on their international hit, GIME PIZZA, and let’s decide where you fit.

Whether you are a Mary-Kate or Ashley is 100% based on vibes. This is not a quantative science, it’s a gut feeling. Like how Wednesday is a 7. Circles are yellow. May is an odd month but it’s actually even. Cats are red. Dogs are blue. Etc.

So who are you? Again, this is purely based on instinct. This has nothing to do with Ashley or Mary-Kate’s character. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. Both are equally good (and equally bad).

Questions you can ask yourself if you are really in despair:

Pink or Purple?

East Coast or West Coast?

Cats or Dogs?

Ashley is a bit more high-key and MK is lowkey. Ashley demands attention, MK gets attention. Ashley is the fun and MK finds the fun.

Mary-Kate Energy…

Bernie Sanders • Oprah • Joe Rogan • Channing Tatum • Mitch McConnell • Mayor Pete • DeBlasio • Kanye • Bella Hadid • Kendall Jenner • Kamala • Charli D’Amelio • Charli XCX • LA • Six Flags • Game of Thrones • NY Mets • Khloe Kardashian • Kourtney Kardashian • North West • Whole Foods • Harry Potter • Roku • Euphoria • Jennifer Garner • BeReal • NASA • USPS • Lunch • Blake Lively • Molly Mae • Pete Davidson • Johnny D*pp • Grape • Justin Bieber • Twilight • Ravioli • Singers Becoming Actors • Miranda • Miranda Sings • Miranda Cosgrove • Glee • Matt Gaetz • Florida • Therapy • Caramel deLites • Olivia Rodrigo • Elon Musk • Substack • Podcasts • Waze • Epstein • Navy • Marines • Denver • Candy Crush • Miles Teller • Teresa Giudice • Clue • Chilis • Dimes Square • Kiki’s • Evermore • Ekin-Su • Wordle • Tote Bags • Pumpkin Flavor • Gin • Matilda Djerf • Homeless (you’ll get this if you watch BH) • Liv Tyler • Felicity (American Girl Doll) • Yellowstone • RHOC • RHONJ • Vanderpump Rules • Below Deck • Tumblr • Pilates • Poochoco • LL Bean • Riverdale • Volleyball • Goofy • Pluto (Dog) • Pluto (Planet) • Saturn • Jupiter • Earth • Kindle • Clouds • Spring • Fall • Naps • Anderson Cooper • Math • Ocean (different than the beach) • West Coast • Fire Fighters • Foo Fighters • Botox • Diet Coke • Burger King • Arbys • ETC…

Ashley Energy…

Me • Tom Hanks • Britney Spears • NYC • Tr*mp • Michelle Obama • Meghan Markle • Julia Fox (controversial) • Kim Kardashian • Kylie Jenner • Kris Jenner • Scott Disick • Gigi Hadid • Selena Gomez • Addison Rae • Public Libraries • Dave Portnoy • Yankees • Beyonce • Halsey • Starbucks • Princess Diana • Harry Styles • HBO Max • Ben Affleck • JLO • FBI • Mayor Eric • Tucker Carlson • Ben Shapiro • Nancy Pelosi • Amelia • Strawberries • Hailey Bieber • Taylor Swift • Abby Lee Miller • Nick Cannon • Hurricanes • Lox • Carrie • Samantha • Charlotte • Lantern Fly • Invasive Species • Tax Fraud • Bezos • Barstool • Hillary Clinton • Venmo • Army • Air Force • Top Gun • Tom Cruise • Benihana • Glen Powell • Margot Robbie • Carbone • Florence Pugh • Folklore • Phoebe Bridgers • Adderall • Trains • Planes • August • Lea Michele • Toothless • Paris Hilton • Lisa Rinna as a Red M&M • RHOBH • RHONY • RHOSLC • LinkedIn • Dyson Air Wrap • Drake • Wendy Williams • Hello Kitty • The Addams Family • Golf • Mickey Mouse • Minnie Mouse • Daffy Duck • Mercury • Mars • Google Maps • Sunsets • Sunrises • Summer • Winter • Andy Cohen • Delta • Kyle Richards • Space • Horror (as a genre) • MWF • McDonalds • Subway • Panera • ETC…

Let me know where you think you fall and I’ll tell you if you’re right.

Things that happened in pop culture you should know about…

Serena retired and said “I wouldn’t be Serena without Venus,” and we all sobbed.
TW: Lea Michele. Lea Michele basically admitted that she can’t read (WHO will be going to Funny Girl with me??? WHO!!!)
Resident asshole of Beverly Hills, Diana Jenkins, has been sending cease & desist messages to Bravo comedy podcasts for making fun of her and I just… Since when can you sue people for embarrassing you? Like. I don’t understand.
Taylor Swift is releasing a new album October 21, and well, I make no apologies for who I am.
“I think societal collapse is in the air,” said Timothee Chalamet, proving he IS Laurie.
Florence Pugh :) broke up with :) that man :)
LVP is coming back to BH (allegedly)! Rejoice!
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prince Jr celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.
Probably other things but my brain is only filled with Taylor Swift.

Other Things I Like…

Drinking milk in Europe. Lactose intolerance who? Sorry all, I’m on vacation.
*insert gif of oprah smiling and shrugging at the camera*
Paris, obviously.
The slide seats on La Premiere on Air France
Virgo SZN
Being cringe.
Why did the new manifesto for the girl scouts make me cry?

Things I hate…

It seems that the street sweepers have followed me to France. Spraying their waters on the streets. But I think they actually work here?
The lack of trains in America. Do you know how much smarter as a nation we would be if we could access other parts of the country via rail in less than 12 hours?
How clean the Paris metro is. I’m honestly pissed about it.
All the generational discourse. Why does Gen Z care about us? Why do we care about Gen Z? Why is Gen X getting involved? This is all so stupid.
Orange-flavored things. Gross.
Also, those gummy candies that are supposed to taste like cola? yuck.
Where is That 70s Show? Why isn’t it streaming? Why can’t I witness Hyde and Jackie fall in love? Am I really supposed to fly back to Colorado and pack up all of my DVD sets? I live in Paris now, do you know how difficult that will be for me!? It’s been gone since 2019!!!! The lack of That 70s Show caused the pandemic!!!!!

Au revoir mes amies! A bientôt!

Passport to Paris